Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
