I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
