I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
