my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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