I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize