It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
