Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
