does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
