How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
