He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize