don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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