I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
