Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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