he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
