If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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