That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize