this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
