the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
