How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
