that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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