I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm both gender and math confused
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
