totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also, beer. Big fan.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
