he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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