connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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