omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Randomize
