remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
