is your mom at the bar?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
