i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
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