peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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