there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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