They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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