I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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