I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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