You're completely useless in the revolution.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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