I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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