I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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