I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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