So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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