I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize