nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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