It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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