My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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