If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
