Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
