his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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