So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
