As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
