Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize