I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
