8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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