I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
