How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
