Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just gift wrapped bread.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
