I wannas sexs uuuuu
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
