i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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