i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
