people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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