my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
