Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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